I haven't updated in forever. But I'm not feeling well and I'm kinda lonely right now.
My mom came home from a funeral, she was crying. Her friend from work's husband died. She told me he'd had cancer and diabetes, they'd given him 2 months to live but they called his wife to the hospital because he was dying. On her way to the hospital they called her back to say that he'd died. Their kids are my brother and sister's ages, 10 and 12. I fear that... not being able to be with the person I'm in love with when they die. Or to be alone when I die, cold in a fucking hospital bed, with indifferent caregivers. Mom said when she got to the viewing... his son was hugging him in the coffin. I kinda lost it after that. I thought of my brother. And how my dad is my whole world. I sat here and cried for a while. and felt like I need to write it out maybe.

Affection is so fucking scary.

I need to be out of here for a bit... and it's only been a week.

Ok now its been a really long time guys.

Sorry

I'm really busy with school. I'm tired.
Ummm, no idea whats going on in my love life... It's a few things. It's confusing.

Don't know what to talk about aside from missing people and thinking about the meaning of life. le sigh.

Welp... It's been a while. THings have been pretty allover the place. Happy Sad Angry all that crap.

I have no idea what to write, I drink about every night. I started smoking again. I'm allover the place. Yesterday I drove into Virginia and back up to Pennsylvania, I'm loving these random road trips. Dating is interesting but I'm not really finding anything actually striking huge interest as of yet, although I've gotten a decent amount of free food and movies and drinks.

Classes are going well. Karoline and I have started walking again. God I can't think. Maybe I should try this at the end of the day.

Spring break so far, I went home friday night in the sleet and freezing rain in traffic and almost got crushed by a tractor trailer twice. fun. Got to see my family and everything. I guess I'm one of the "grown ups now. Having grown up conversations while drinking grown up drinks. My family is an interesting bunch as I may have mentionsed but I'm feeling this strange sense of integration as where I'm not tryong to differentiate my self from them anymore. Its ok to be who I am and I don't have to make my gray-sheepness more obvious, they love me.

why am I bored writing already. the wordsw aren't good in my head right now... I can try later.

SO many weddings. Melissa just got married, she's now expecting a little boy :)
David is getting married in April, His fiancee is gorgeous.
I need to stop thinking about weddings. It gets me nervous and anxious and depressed.

Slow at work, slow at class, slow at everything. I'm just really wanting something new and exciting.

Megan and I worked out for 2 and a half hours yesterday. I'm so sore. Megan and I have been inseparable lately. I've loved it. Making dinner, doing homework, working out, and chatting. I definitely consider her my best friend, she's so supportive and encouraging, and I know its someone I will always have. We're almost clones.

Le sigh.

Sorry I've been cryptic, sometimes its just how I write.

I'll be honest from now on.

I'm in an odd place, but I'm enjoying myself, I think I might be ready to blossom into the realm of dating. If I realize I don't like it, or I feel any guilt, I'm just going to not do it anymore, simple as that. Dan essentially is still free to do so as he pleases, thats the agreement. I just don't want to hurt or confuse anyone, its kind of hard to do so but ya know.

Classes are going well, I applied for SIGGRAPH and I'm preparing to do my audio crap, its exciting! School kinda rules right now, and I finally cleaned my room.

I'm gonna make a dress once I get my next paycheck, I'm gonna deposit the money left from grocery shopping and buying the materials to do so. I'm gonna get a pattern for a cowboy/girl shirt, and extend it to make it into a dress. then I'm gonna replace the collare with a hood.

work just got bombarded see yall

Got locked out of my room in a towel, my door is obviously broken.
a bunch of my pants are now pink.
Car is dead.
Too lazy to make dinner.
Too scared to finish this siggraph application.
Too retarded to finish that conversation.
Too lonely to know who to talk to.

Its official. I have absolutely NO Idea what I'm doing. AT ALL. lost wandering into oblivion blah blah blah.

I should be much happier right now. I am enthralled though.

Outgoing message 1:
This is it. You get this or nothing.

Outgoing message 2:
Its was easier than I thought katie better. :D

Don't mind the Teen Girl Squad subject.

I am starting to explore the realm of crushes though. I enjoy it. and I know Katie Better supports it :D. I guess its just the first step into knowing what to do about it... its been a long time. I'm like a lost little kid.

CPAC sucked.
College Republicans TOTALLY Sucks.

I'm not even a republican anymore. Haven't been for a long time. but... I'm the only one who can do the job I guess.

:(

Otherwise I'm enjoying being a dork and doing nothing but homework.

Thats what it is now a days. Maybe its not there anymore.

Melissa got married this weekend, It made me scared. I know I'm not ready, I'm not ready to know all that yet. I just wanna know something goods gonna happen. Although no matter what I do, I know I have some one somewhere there for me. The wedding was fun and I sat next to the bride, at the special table of friends, it was good, food was good, I went home and wanted to cry, even though I saw bunnies on the way home.

I'm losing confidence in my future, it happens senior year I guess, when you start thinking you picked the wrong school.

Slowly feeling more comfortable in my relationship, don't know what happened there for a while. I think I just need to keep telling myself, if your meant to be with someone, then you will be. Hopefully I'm not meant to be alone.

Class soon.
I don't hate myself as much anymore.

I'm at work at AV Services, my second job. Tuesdays 10 - 4:30, no class. Thursdays 8 - 2:30, lunch and homework break after work, History of the Underground class from 4:30 - 7. Swimming from 7:30 -9:30.

I work at the cage too. Mondays 9:45- 2, Then Advanced 3d Animation, Yoga at 4:30. Wednesdays 9:45 - 12, Break for College Republicans then 12:30 - 2, 3D after that again.

Fridays are Science Day! Sci 100 Lab @ 10, lunch break, Lecture @ 1. Yoga at 4:30.

Work is so easy, both of them, I talk to people and play with stuff at the cage and Play Kingdom of loathing, do Homework and push carts around at AV services, nice little moderately busy schedule. Keeps my mind off of my life.

I'm Empty. It's mostly my fault, I think I'm taking advantage of my experimental phase and freedoms the wrong way, I won't let myself discover I only let myself be guilty. Who am I hurting? How am I hurting them? Will they tell me? Will they leave me? Will they Hurt me? What is forever? what do I want? what to I need? whats best for me? Is it anything I even have do i have the wrong choices to pick from? I have no I dea and every idea who I am. Maybe I need to be alone for a while. Every time I find something I want or need I feel guilty and throw it away, its like not eating because I know that there are starving people somewhere and who am I to take that away from them? I could essentially consider myself lucky but God knows thats not in my nature to do.

The past few weeks as i usually say have been interesting, I think I've done some discovering but I was expecting it to help me more positively, it's helped me sure but its just given me knowledge that I fear and try to forget. Why? I've partied gone to shows gone home a few times met some people been hit one like any other single girl. Right now I guess I'm supposed to be getting the best of both worlds, the love and companionship and attention, and the freedom and exploring and independence... and attention of the single life. Then why am I not happy? I've told myself and everyone that I'm going to be extremely selfish in my wants and needs and actions. but I haven't done it.

Maybe its time for rethinking and re-situating, or maybe I just need to give it more time.

But in the meantime, I think I'm keeping myself content.